Cherryv...

Cherryvanilla2k: where bean Cherryvanilla2k: ? Baptistmomof3: bean in room u need her? Cherryvanilla2k: yesh Baptistmomof3: let me beckon her Baptistmomof3: she's been beckoned Cherryvanilla2k: ooooo Baptistmomof3: 1 minute says she amazing how the funniest conversations go on without me.

You are o...

You are one of the few out there whose wings aretruly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, anddivine, you are one blessed with a certaincosmic grace. You are unequalled inpeacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being ofLight your wings are massive and a soft whiteor silver. Countless feathers grace them andradiate the light within you for all the worldto see. You are a defender, protector, andcaretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiverof the wrong, chances are you are takenadvantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.But your innocence and wisdom sees the good ineveryone and so this mistreatment does not makeyou colder. Merciful to the extreme, you willtry to help misguided souls find themselves andpeace. However not all Angelics allowthemselves to be gotten the better of - theSeraphim for example will be driven to fightingfor the sake of Justice and protection of thoseless powerful. Congratulations - and don't everchange - the world needs more people like you. *~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~* brought to you by Quizilla

href=...

href="http://www.homestead.com/adoptamonster/adopt.html"></a>Name: ValAge: 16Favorite Food: a good love is deliciousFavorite Hobby: stalkingAdopt your very own monster today!

ADI...

ADIDAS wit u jon: IM A MUFFIN.ADIDAS wit u jon: DONT TALK TO MEADIDAS wit u jon: I CANT HEARXxSexay RockrxX: WHY NOT?ADIDAS wit u jon: MUFFINS DONT HAVE EARSXxSexay RockrxX: OK thats too funny!! yey i think me n brinny are kool now!!

hey, if...

hey, if yall havent noticed, ive been pissed lately. i know brit notices. i'm so numb. lifes such a spiral for me and no one fucking notices. everyone (esp brit) just thinks im being bitchy. the last time i felt like this was in early december. i never said anything toi anyone, not even my very best friends i talk to like everyday. read my work from then, maybe youll understand. i dont feel like talking about it in detail right now. things have just been really shitty lately. i'm carrying so much _____ (no usable word comes to mind) burden right now. no one knows. its crashing into me and i almost cant take it. i feel so bad. lately things w me n brit havent been that great and obviously were both feeling it. we both think the others bein bitchy and mean etc. i dont know howto get past this? my main hang up is that she didnt come to my baptism. that hurt really really bad. she promised shed be there but went shopping with her dad. i told her i just wanted her there even if she missed the baptism part, just i wanted to feel her support. yeah she did say shes w me in spirit n im glad she said that, but it still hurt. i cant even begin to describe the situation. i'm prolly only seeing half the picture. i only have one thing to say you brinny: i'm sorry. i shouldnt be taking my shit out on you like this. i should be etlling you rather than ignoring you or pushing you out of my life. i love you so much. i'm so glad were friends and most of the time you are there for me, it just really hurt when you didnt show. but i'm sorry, please forgive me. if yall can or want to help me let me know. its crazy right now. i feel hopeless, lifeless, like im going nowhere in a downward spiral. like bean said, shouldnt spirals be fun? i dont even know whats wrong with me. the night i got baptized kevin and christie emailed me and said that the devil is going to try his best to force his way into my life. pray that i get over this, i think thats what happened. i cant wait till these feelings are gone, like yesterday.

i'm looki...

i'm lookin through some of my old poems. this is one about my best friend mandy and her at-the-time bf. most of my friends know the story since it caused me so much torture. like it wasi want to screamthis love i thought i neededleft me bruised and bleedingthinking it was safe to keep believingi wasnt going anywherei wasnt as secure as i thoughti was surrendering, leaving good behindto imagine i could stay with someone like youbut since all the time gone byall the days spent pinning for loveit just wasnt enoughwhen i wasnt meant to find it in youso many moments wasted becausewhat i was looking for wasnt lovelike i thought it was

this is an...

this is an assignment, my very first for my poetry class in fact. comment on it, give me some sincere criticism. i'm going to post this for my classmates to read soon. its from a memory trigger assignment.Sorting Out The Confusion 1/21/04My mind swims with thoughts of affectionThe affection of you, my loveIt buries itself predictivelyInside the hollowness of my heartIt does hide awayAs it was trapped aliveBut my affection never stumblesBeing the zombie that it isIt always awakensNear the tumultuous pointCalled the end

rebirth

less than 24 hours left. wednesday at 7pm my life changes. everythings going to be washed away and i'm going to start new. i'm so happy. with a tear and a smile i'm embracing this. i'm leaving behind all the pain i once clung to and yearning for the peace i've always desired. right now everything is bliss. i feel the love thats been idly surrounding me since my existence began. only now its sprung to life. Jesus created all this and to Him i surrender. everything. i'm glad just to sit here and behold the amazing presence of God. its empowering, awakening, amazing. He is the only one that holds every part of me, the broken, the healed, the brand new, the innocent, the vile, the lifeless, the decrepit, the hopeful, the wonderful, the amazing - He holds it all and its beyond words to say how truly awesome it is. Faith, i'm praying for you and i miss you already. i love you so much and i know you'll pass. Alden, you were right about my sister. after tonight i'm so glad to have her. i spent a bunch of time with her giving her a bath even though i was dead tired and so drained. shes adorable. shes one of my many blessings and you helped me realize it. i hope you know how awesome you are, and not just concerning this.sorry if those two people arent you. they ^^ have been on my mind and i felt the need to say something nice about and to them. <3 luvies.

home, is a feeling ive buried in you

i want to cry so much. todya sucked, at least the part from 5 to 8pm. i babysat two kids. theyre sweet but they drain so much from me i could crash the moment i walk into their house. and my dads watchin a sad movie and talking to my lil sister about zena being in heaven. it hurts. i dont even know why. its this big sore spot that i cant even think about without tears coming. i havent cried yet though. yey...i guess. yall pray for me on that and everything else in my life. thanks. luvies <3.

i have ...

i have to leave for a meeting in about 15 minutes so i have to hurry and think up the right words, so if things dont quite connect all the way its b/c i'm thinking faster than i'm typing. maybe it means i'm smart lol. i had yesterday off, kinda, i had a body wrap n hung with brinny a bit so it didnt seem like i had the day off really. i'm starting to get frustrated with a few of my friends. not as a group or individually but in little groups. (i'll explain if i need to.) i've tried telling them but they dont get it and/or they deny it so wtf why not exploit them on live journal? haha i just need to vent. the only ppl who read this are friends anyway. ok heres the prob: i have these friends (if you think its you its prolly not b/c hardly anyone knows these friends.) i think they like each other. this is hardly ever a big thing to me so i dunno why its bothering me so much now. they both deny it completely. i think its all going on behind my back, per say, exept that i realize it more or less. the only thing i have to say to those friends are that their "silence speaks louder than words." i need advice. yall give me some plz plz plz!!!unrelated: i got a new book. finally. ive been looking for something to read cuz i have thousands (maybe less) of books that have been read. i got The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. the same guy that wrote Tuesdays With Maury. heres an exerp: "all parents damage their children. it cannot be helped. youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jaqgged little pieces, beyond repair."i have a new poem too but i think this posting is long enough. if you want to read it, leave me a comment and maybe i'll post it next time.

th...

this is another addition to my book. i wrote it about zena the day she died. thank God brit was there for me. if you know what she meant to me then you know all that died of me that day. if not, maybe it can be comprehended in this. i never expectednever thought the day would comeso soon that i rejectedeverything i saw and heardi felt it creep inside me anddig deep beneath, like a birdsearching for a squiggly, wiggling wormi love you more thanyou know but i dont knowwhy it hurts so badit's the colour of pain sinking inpressing on beneath my skinbut tis is what brings me homesets me on fire when i'm alonebrings me peace and comfort that i knowwill make it all betterno matter how dampened my spirits growthe colour of pain will alwayslead me home

my night

i feel so good about myself. i babysat Amy again. she is so adorable. when i came over she was like i'm so excited youre here youre such a good babysitter. we drew animals which i was terrible at, literally, and shes like you did a good job, just like i was telling her. she showed her parents all the pictures we drew and told her mom that they were too good for a museum so we would put them on display on the fridge. then we played some board games and i helped her take a bath. she was telling me how gross kids can be and im like yeah i know ive babysat grosser kids than you. haha it was like a challenge for her but she listens really well for 5 and stopped when i asked her. then at bed when i was reading her stories shes like im such a lucky girl cuz youve babysat me two weeks in a row. shes like come cuddle with me and rub my back for five minutes so i can sleep. then her mom came in and amy told her the lucky girl thing and added maybe she can babysit next week too. amy is such a cute kid in every way. she loves me and i dont really see why b/c tonight i was tired and i was last week too but she seemed to have a good time with me. before her bath shes like im glad you came over cuz were having a pretty good time. if u dont know her yall should meet her. shes just the most adorable kid ever.

parents ...

parents can be really unfair and just nasty sometimes. lately ive been getting in lots of fights with mine. today for example: i told my mom that the reason i didnt do dishes is b/c its my brothers turn. i did them the last two days and once not even at my own house. and i said youre being really unfair, esp letting boy go to his games n crap. she told me the reason shes being unfair is b/c i rebel. WTF?? that made me soo mad. she always pushes my brothers chores onto me with no remorse. hes completely capable, and everyone who knows me and my family knows that. i dont get why theyre so unfair to me. whenever my brother doesnt want to do something they tell me to and as a resulti say no i dont think so you originally gave it to him and just b/c he would rather watch tv is not a valid excuse. (if u cant tell i'm tryin very hard not to swear) i cant wait till i go to texas. it fucking sucks here. (guess hell just broke loose) i'm feeling so trapped and confined with what my parents do to me. they are so devoted to everyone but me. when they plan something with me and say they promise, they usually break it to do something with my brother or sister or my sisters godmother. i feel like a lost little child in need of some comfort. yall gimme your advice.

old poems

i wrote over 2003, so yeah, they are older ones, but everyone tell me what you think.how can i feel likeGod might have ordained thisi dont even know your last namebut i still want your kissyour touch, thats where its atits not obsessioni'm not repressing feelingsi just want your arms around melike being in an angel's embraceas i wish to beyou dont cower to anythingi'm not afraid ofyou craving mei can handle all you can throwi hope you can do the samei'm not about to cave inlest will i fade away in shameyou tend to be my typewhen you like what you seebut when it comes to mei'm not the type of girl you fancyi know what i amand i know what i'm noti'm not trying to be what you wantthis is meIn Need of You 4/3/03a cold wind blowsit penetrates my souland goes deeper than bonesi can feel you near meeven though i dont see your facei know you're hereyou take away my tensionof predetermined perfectionit makes me shiver, almost quiverbecause i know you're neari no longer have a dispositionwith your lack of realismonly that i'm not close enough to you

for my book

its simplethats something that nobody knowsits habitualand hybrid in the way evidence flowsits frustratingi miss you with complexityits invigoratingthe hope ive buried complacentlyits intenseall the pressure i'm accustomed toit pervades my soulthe emotions i have for youits dissuadingthe words i'm forced to hearits intangiblebut they need not feari know you'll awakenin your own wayi wrote this today. in my opinion its pretty good. i see most of my stuff as pretty crappy. its about my sisters godfather ken whos still in a coma. its about seeing him and knowing that in his own way hes going to wake up, despite what everyone says. its all the feelings that go through me when i see or think about him.

funniest show quote

"move your freakin hoof you goat!!!" if you think you know the show post a comment.

God Answers Prayers!!!

I'm sooo happy!! Last night I prayed about being able to go to Texas, I told God how much I missed Ashley and wanted to see Alden and such. When I woke up I got TWO texts from Ashley saying it's okay for me to come out on the dates I told her!!! God is so wonderful. God answered two of my prayers in less than twenty-four hours, how's that for proof of His love? One lesser detail: I got a really good deal on a ticket!!"the happiest day of my life is the day that i died"

http:/...

http://www.sacwriters.com/quizzes/dumb/zero.gif yey me!! i feel surprisingly smart. check it out.the weirdest thing just happened. i was at target just lookin around n all of a sudden i hear this voice oh hey val i know you you were in my class. u know when you cant see whos talking to you? yeah it was like that. so i ended up talking to her for a bit and man...did she bitch. the teacher we had was awesome, everything a great teacher should be but she was obviously pretty bitter about getting a C when i got an A. i told her the school wouldnt let me into the classes i originally signed up for and the teachers were like "and we care why" to which she seemed sympathetic. we just exchanged what happened in the last month or so and she just kept bitchin about this teacher. in my head i was like God please let something happen so she walks away. not even a min later alden called. (see...God does come thru) after that i'm just like ok bye and went on talking to alden. i'm so glad i have friends that can call me whenever...oh yeah and a cell. ok my story's done. i find it strange that i post a few postings a day rather than everyday just one.

over and over again i am spiraling

last night was really long. i babysat this really cute lil girl named amy, if you know her you know what i mean. shes just so adorable im considering having a kid and trading for her lol. i got to talk to alden again too (yey!!). i like talking to him in case you hadnt guessed. hes one of the more intelligent guys ive ever met. and he isnt concerned about the sexual stuff that could happen. i'm frustrated today, completely unrelated to last night except that i'm still kind of tired. i want to see ash and alden so much, but ash isnt cooperating. i even found a really good deal on a ticket but she said she couldnt say its okay till almost February. how screwed up is that? but i guess if its planned it will happen. if you remember, pray for me on that. love yall post loving comments haha

why me....this is such a strange way to save the world

i know: i wonder what could be so bad/ that it makes you want to die/ i wonder what could be so tragic/ makes you want to take your life/ you have your Savior on the cross/ while you sit on the throne/ put yourself up on that cross/ and put your Savior on the throne/ i know its hard to take whats happening/ and i know life is tough sometimes/ i know it seems like theres no hope for you/ but i know your life is worth more than you can see/ its hard to see beyond your pain/ when you feel so dead inside/ its hard to see what youve been given/ its hard to find the hope in life/ and i say look at Jesus' hands/ those scars are there for you/ you know he understands/ what youre going throughcandy: so many nights wasted/ poisoning myself/ i guess i just hated/ the emptiness i felt/ to be accepted/ gotta look like they do/ but you held your hand out/ you took me just as i am/ your loves like candy/ or like something never tasted before/ you take me places/ never dreamed i could go/ oh ive been laughed at/ and broken in two/ and i felt the wrath that/ words of hate can do/ and ive been stranded/ and left standing in the rain/ but you picked my head up/ you carried me away from this placemy struggle: must be some mistake/ cuz i'm not worth the price you paid/ with every passing hour/ i convince myself that you saw something in me/ i can hear them still/ as the whispers laced with hatred fill the room/ i guess i'm wasting my time/ how could you love (someone) like me?/ lord i need your strength/ cuz i am weak and fallin to my knees/ who is on my side/ cuz i cant tell my friends from enemies/ i'm filling up with pain/ and bitterness controls the air i breathe/ what am i fighting for/ or do you have a plan for me/ must be some mistake/ cuz i'm not worth the price you paid...more: do you really want to know me/ not just where i live/ do you really want to know me/ not just by the color of my skin/ do you really want to know me/ not just by the things i did/ if you really got to know me/ well it might take a little time/ cuz i am more than what i look like/ and i am more than where ive been/ and i am more than what they say about me/ i'm more, i'm more than what you see/ do you really want to know him/ man who lives under that bridge/ do you really want to know him/ and hear about the life hes lived/ if you really got to know him/ you might just be a bit surprised/ of how he lost his job in 1983/ and how that cancer got his wife/ he is more than what he looks like/ he is more than where hes been/ he is more than where hes ended up to be/ he is more, he is more than what you see and i am more than what i look like/ and i am more than where ive been/ and i am more than what they say about meWhat have we becomeJust look what weve doneAll that weve destroyed you must build again...

everythin...

everything good is always interrupted but something counter productive.

i dont mind spending everyday/out on your corner in the pouring rain....

i never have to leave you aloneif you dont want me tohow does it feel to knowi'm tangled in youits not a matter of what to doits what you needthat is all i seethat is how its supposed to beeveryone has secrets andi want to share mine with youi want to let you inso take my hand andnever give it backi want you that badbut we dont know what to doi'm not satisfied till you penetrateand i let you in my skinthis is about wanting so much to be close to someone but there is nothing that can be done.

previous poem

i wrote this on 12/9/03 and just recently found it inside my binder from last semester. just thought i'd post it and see if anyone notices. hit me back, not necessarily on this posting either.nobody knows what its liketo feel pain this wayto be sad constantlynobody understandswhat its like to be hatedto be labeled for someone elses eyesnobody tends to seemy side of the storynot saying "poor me"but their actions are so deliberateit takes prominence over everythingand confiscates me, depletes menobody tries to findthe happiness i might have insidethe lost part of mei hope no one ever seesits all i am beneath the surfaceits the curse bestowed on meon my last leg of livingand this is all i feelthis is all nobody seeks "deep down it hides."

finally not sad

I am ecstatic today. I cannot wait until I am baptized. I think I will feel so much closer personally and spiritually to God and that is something I definitely need. Lately, in preparation I guess, I have been considerably trying to harmonize my life according to God’s ways and commandments for my life. Being baptized is like recommitting my life to Christ Jesus and that means I need to make some changes in my life so I can be more like Him. Like my friend Faith told me a few weeks ago, being baptized is my public profession of my interminable love, faith, and belief for Jesus and it says I follow Him alone. I do not want to begin generating life changes proceeding my baptism, so I am starting now. If I start afterwards I am not sure if I will completely follow through or if all the changes will stick with me because so many things will also be changing and too much change at once will bombard me. In that situation, I am likely to forget the new changes and relapse back into the old. What would be the point in starting to change my ways in the first place?

today was so...

today was so fuckin difficult. i teach this class of 4 and 5 year olds every other monday. the girl above me surprised me and didn't tell me that there is no curriculum this semester!! its going to be a play by ear thing, that makes the whole classroom so choatic. last semester i had a big prob with things being choatic, so wtf why not just extract the curriculum? its so frustrating!! i've had so much trouble with this girl since she began the job of corrdinating the classes. i tried to take a short nap before i had to work at 5 but it was so hard, i had the greenwheel songs stuck in my head, mainly "silence speaks louder than words sometimes but not everybody listens." a sign perhaps? lol i watched these 2 kids tonight to help out the lady who gives me body wraps. her kids were terrible!! the little girl cries over everything. she insisted she eat her food on the floor!! the little boy wouldnt take a bath then wouldnt get out. i'm just so drained from today. then when i got home my mom got on my ass about taking more than just one English class. with everything else going on and possibly going on, i'm going to be burned out if i take another class. i know it seems a bit like a waste of a semester but its better than burning out. i wish someone was on cuz i need to talk to someone, i'm going to drown in my own opinion.

we were meant to live for something more

i've had these Greenwheel songs roaming in my mind most of the day, even when i was sleeping......weird. they are from the soma holiday cd, in case you want to get yo self a copy. i've had hollow man stuck in my haed too but i have to work in 30 mins, maybe i'll type it on here later tonight.sustain you - so far away not knowing how to handle the distance between avoiding situations that will show that this is not the same try to see through my window i cant but i will sustain you as long as i can bearthe thought of humbly keeping silence is my answer i will remain here quietly seething as the crowd moves in roaring to carry me away ive always kept this push from shoving the edge closer now its true enough i have nothing left to saybreathe - i played the fool today and i cant see us vanishing into the crowd longing for home again but home is a feeling ive buried in you i'm all right it only hurts when i breathe i cant ask for things to be still again i cant ask for you to offer the world through your eyes longing for home again but home is a feeling i've buried in you my window through which nothing hides and everything sings i'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between disappear - everythings not right where did you go you forgot about all youve left behind its all on the table and you wonder why you cant hurt anymore your emotions just cant be seen in light youre lost in here you just disappear you deny the pain that overcomes deep inside youve kept it there too long grayest skies, answers bleeding through sunlight, cast its shadows over alllouder than words - underming your intentions silence speaks louder than words sometimes but not everybody listens be known to all who'd only shut their mouths can you hear me now its a small price to pay altho there may be indiscretion

missin you......missin me?

i miss all my friends. especially ashley. i was hanging out with some friends tonight, including brinny. it was the first time i've been able to see her in over two weeks, you dont know how much i missed her. usually i see her a few times a week and we talk when theres free minutes, but two weeks of no communication besides a few emails sucked. i'm missing everyone right now. faith. jason. mandy. francesca. brinny. ash. melanie. joy. zena. ken. everyone that lives far away. everyone that lives close that i hardly see. everyone i'm close to. i know i left hella people out, sorry, i miss you too, i guess you just slipped my mind temporarily. everyting with ken is draining me. the doctors at kaiser tell us stuff but refuse to explain it. and looking it up....what a pain, most of the words are very hard to find logical and modern stuff on. i think it's finally hit me that hes deteriorating. he has posturing. a sign that his nervous system and brain stem are slowing going limp and lifeless. i have such writers block. i want to write, now would be the perfect time to squeeze out more for my book, all this indescribable emotion flowing. but nothings coming, its just blank. i'm stuck in the grind. going more consumed with every breath. i'm all right, it only hurts when i breathe.i know what i need: a tattoo. my next one is going to be a paw print. the inside is going to be like when the tv goes staticy but the lines wll be spaced farther apart. its going to be the outline of a paw print, symbolizing everything i've lost and will lose that will never fade from my realm of being.

the montonous life of a poet

Christmas break is almost over.....everything's felt so monotonous since it began. I can't believe I've only written three pieces in such a long time. One of my pieces written about a month ago was highly praised by my uncle, a well known playwrite from Chicago. It's called Conforming and can be viewed at: http://poetry.com/Publications/display.asp?ID=P3764504&BN=999&PN=7 I wrote something today so I feel oddly successful. It's below. The Colour of Pain (Goes with my book)the colour of pain is indifferentwith every breath it manifestsbringing to life more senselessnessbecause of lovebecause of wants and needs and perseverenceit's all about interferenceand lack of judgement seeping inso far it cannot be seenwithout the pressures of lifelike a fire inside a hollow maneverything is possible if trying is planned

feeling trapped and forced to conform

This is to be another addition to my book; I know it's not one of my best. I wrote it to a particular group of people at the time, but it can apply to many people in my life at one point or another. If you have any comments on this or any other posting reply plz!!no titleI'm everything you thought I would beso consumingcan't you seeI'm lost inside and it's perpetuatingall i see is mebecoming you don't you see I'm lost without medrowning in your waysrestricted by your ever changing waysI only wanted youto be yourself and let me beso I could stay locked inside myselfconsuming me not only youI know you think I've failedtrusted myself too muchto bring closure to myselfbut I can't feel you theretrying harder to destruct meI'm going to wake up one of thesedays so far away

the unlovable side of me

I wrote this when I was feeling really depressed and unlovable and just yucky about everything. A day or so after I found out that my pastor of nearly ten years is retiring the end of January and the last thing he wishes to do is baptize me. This poem is me expressing my feelings to God.with nothingwhy am i so emptywith nothing left to compromisewhy's the hurt keep comingwith nothing to subside itwhy do i feel so alonewith no one to turn towhy do i writhe in anguishwith nothing else left to trywhy do i keep on fightingwith my unshielded wordswhat's the point in all thisif all i am is worthless