hey, if...

hey, if yall havent noticed, ive been pissed lately. i know brit notices. i'm so numb. lifes such a spiral for me and no one fucking notices. everyone (esp brit) just thinks im being bitchy. the last time i felt like this was in early december. i never said anything toi anyone, not even my very best friends i talk to like everyday. read my work from then, maybe youll understand. i dont feel like talking about it in detail right now. things have just been really shitty lately. i'm carrying so much _____ (no usable word comes to mind) burden right now. no one knows. its crashing into me and i almost cant take it. i feel so bad. lately things w me n brit havent been that great and obviously were both feeling it. we both think the others bein bitchy and mean etc. i dont know howto get past this? my main hang up is that she didnt come to my baptism. that hurt really really bad. she promised shed be there but went shopping with her dad. i told her i just wanted her there even if she missed the baptism part, just i wanted to feel her support. yeah she did say shes w me in spirit n im glad she said that, but it still hurt. i cant even begin to describe the situation. i'm prolly only seeing half the picture. i only have one thing to say you brinny: i'm sorry. i shouldnt be taking my shit out on you like this. i should be etlling you rather than ignoring you or pushing you out of my life. i love you so much. i'm so glad were friends and most of the time you are there for me, it just really hurt when you didnt show. but i'm sorry, please forgive me. if yall can or want to help me let me know. its crazy right now. i feel hopeless, lifeless, like im going nowhere in a downward spiral. like bean said, shouldnt spirals be fun? i dont even know whats wrong with me. the night i got baptized kevin and christie emailed me and said that the devil is going to try his best to force his way into my life. pray that i get over this, i think thats what happened. i cant wait till these feelings are gone, like yesterday.