Monday, July 16, 2007
this is an...
this is an assignment, my very first for my poetry class in fact. comment on it, give me some sincere criticism. i'm going to post this for my classmates to read soon. its from a memory trigger assignment.Sorting Out The Confusion 1/21/04My mind swims with thoughts of affectionThe affection of you, my loveIt buries itself predictivelyInside the hollowness of my heartIt does hide awayAs it was trapped aliveBut my affection never stumblesBeing the zombie that it isIt always awakensNear the tumultuous pointCalled the end
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2 comments:
Very nice, your work is always very well done. Im sure your classmates will like it.
the people that posted back said they like it but its unclear. esp the zombie part b/c zombies do stumble n stuff. i think the line right before clears that up but w/e. heres what they put so far: NANA writes: You are right, I think. Your poem has good possibility but needs polishing. Line 2: I was confused. Do you mean someone's affection "for" you or your affection "for" someone else? All depends on your use of the word "for." Line 3. Try using a word with more impact than the rather dry word "predictably." Line 4. Same goes for the word "hollowness." Line 6. A zombie IS supposedly a stumbly, blundering thing. Your notion of the zombie is vivid and interesting. Perhaps you could focus on it a bit more and make verb and noun consistent. I like very much the strange thought of the "tumultuous point called the end." I wonder whether you are entering on an interior journey with all sorts of interesting locales. Sometimes, I find, a brief poem has unexpected doorways. This is sincere criticism; the poem is worth polishing, and I hope this helps.Judy writes: I agree - your poem has much to recommend it, yet and because of that, it needs revision. As I read it, the first five lines were one poem, and then I was brought short and confused because of your switch to "trapped alive" and "zombie" and "tumultous." At that point, I couldn't quite tell where you were going.
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