i'm looki...

i'm lookin through some of my old poems. this is one about my best friend mandy and her at-the-time bf. most of my friends know the story since it caused me so much torture. like it wasi want to screamthis love i thought i neededleft me bruised and bleedingthinking it was safe to keep believingi wasnt going anywherei wasnt as secure as i thoughti was surrendering, leaving good behindto imagine i could stay with someone like youbut since all the time gone byall the days spent pinning for loveit just wasnt enoughwhen i wasnt meant to find it in youso many moments wasted becausewhat i was looking for wasnt lovelike i thought it was

this is an...

this is an assignment, my very first for my poetry class in fact. comment on it, give me some sincere criticism. i'm going to post this for my classmates to read soon. its from a memory trigger assignment.Sorting Out The Confusion 1/21/04My mind swims with thoughts of affectionThe affection of you, my loveIt buries itself predictivelyInside the hollowness of my heartIt does hide awayAs it was trapped aliveBut my affection never stumblesBeing the zombie that it isIt always awakensNear the tumultuous pointCalled the end

rebirth

less than 24 hours left. wednesday at 7pm my life changes. everythings going to be washed away and i'm going to start new. i'm so happy. with a tear and a smile i'm embracing this. i'm leaving behind all the pain i once clung to and yearning for the peace i've always desired. right now everything is bliss. i feel the love thats been idly surrounding me since my existence began. only now its sprung to life. Jesus created all this and to Him i surrender. everything. i'm glad just to sit here and behold the amazing presence of God. its empowering, awakening, amazing. He is the only one that holds every part of me, the broken, the healed, the brand new, the innocent, the vile, the lifeless, the decrepit, the hopeful, the wonderful, the amazing - He holds it all and its beyond words to say how truly awesome it is. Faith, i'm praying for you and i miss you already. i love you so much and i know you'll pass. Alden, you were right about my sister. after tonight i'm so glad to have her. i spent a bunch of time with her giving her a bath even though i was dead tired and so drained. shes adorable. shes one of my many blessings and you helped me realize it. i hope you know how awesome you are, and not just concerning this.sorry if those two people arent you. they ^^ have been on my mind and i felt the need to say something nice about and to them. <3 luvies.

home, is a feeling ive buried in you

i want to cry so much. todya sucked, at least the part from 5 to 8pm. i babysat two kids. theyre sweet but they drain so much from me i could crash the moment i walk into their house. and my dads watchin a sad movie and talking to my lil sister about zena being in heaven. it hurts. i dont even know why. its this big sore spot that i cant even think about without tears coming. i havent cried yet though. yey...i guess. yall pray for me on that and everything else in my life. thanks. luvies <3.

i have ...

i have to leave for a meeting in about 15 minutes so i have to hurry and think up the right words, so if things dont quite connect all the way its b/c i'm thinking faster than i'm typing. maybe it means i'm smart lol. i had yesterday off, kinda, i had a body wrap n hung with brinny a bit so it didnt seem like i had the day off really. i'm starting to get frustrated with a few of my friends. not as a group or individually but in little groups. (i'll explain if i need to.) i've tried telling them but they dont get it and/or they deny it so wtf why not exploit them on live journal? haha i just need to vent. the only ppl who read this are friends anyway. ok heres the prob: i have these friends (if you think its you its prolly not b/c hardly anyone knows these friends.) i think they like each other. this is hardly ever a big thing to me so i dunno why its bothering me so much now. they both deny it completely. i think its all going on behind my back, per say, exept that i realize it more or less. the only thing i have to say to those friends are that their "silence speaks louder than words." i need advice. yall give me some plz plz plz!!!unrelated: i got a new book. finally. ive been looking for something to read cuz i have thousands (maybe less) of books that have been read. i got The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. the same guy that wrote Tuesdays With Maury. heres an exerp: "all parents damage their children. it cannot be helped. youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jaqgged little pieces, beyond repair."i have a new poem too but i think this posting is long enough. if you want to read it, leave me a comment and maybe i'll post it next time.

th...

this is another addition to my book. i wrote it about zena the day she died. thank God brit was there for me. if you know what she meant to me then you know all that died of me that day. if not, maybe it can be comprehended in this. i never expectednever thought the day would comeso soon that i rejectedeverything i saw and heardi felt it creep inside me anddig deep beneath, like a birdsearching for a squiggly, wiggling wormi love you more thanyou know but i dont knowwhy it hurts so badit's the colour of pain sinking inpressing on beneath my skinbut tis is what brings me homesets me on fire when i'm alonebrings me peace and comfort that i knowwill make it all betterno matter how dampened my spirits growthe colour of pain will alwayslead me home

my night

i feel so good about myself. i babysat Amy again. she is so adorable. when i came over she was like i'm so excited youre here youre such a good babysitter. we drew animals which i was terrible at, literally, and shes like you did a good job, just like i was telling her. she showed her parents all the pictures we drew and told her mom that they were too good for a museum so we would put them on display on the fridge. then we played some board games and i helped her take a bath. she was telling me how gross kids can be and im like yeah i know ive babysat grosser kids than you. haha it was like a challenge for her but she listens really well for 5 and stopped when i asked her. then at bed when i was reading her stories shes like im such a lucky girl cuz youve babysat me two weeks in a row. shes like come cuddle with me and rub my back for five minutes so i can sleep. then her mom came in and amy told her the lucky girl thing and added maybe she can babysit next week too. amy is such a cute kid in every way. she loves me and i dont really see why b/c tonight i was tired and i was last week too but she seemed to have a good time with me. before her bath shes like im glad you came over cuz were having a pretty good time. if u dont know her yall should meet her. shes just the most adorable kid ever.

parents ...

parents can be really unfair and just nasty sometimes. lately ive been getting in lots of fights with mine. today for example: i told my mom that the reason i didnt do dishes is b/c its my brothers turn. i did them the last two days and once not even at my own house. and i said youre being really unfair, esp letting boy go to his games n crap. she told me the reason shes being unfair is b/c i rebel. WTF?? that made me soo mad. she always pushes my brothers chores onto me with no remorse. hes completely capable, and everyone who knows me and my family knows that. i dont get why theyre so unfair to me. whenever my brother doesnt want to do something they tell me to and as a resulti say no i dont think so you originally gave it to him and just b/c he would rather watch tv is not a valid excuse. (if u cant tell i'm tryin very hard not to swear) i cant wait till i go to texas. it fucking sucks here. (guess hell just broke loose) i'm feeling so trapped and confined with what my parents do to me. they are so devoted to everyone but me. when they plan something with me and say they promise, they usually break it to do something with my brother or sister or my sisters godmother. i feel like a lost little child in need of some comfort. yall gimme your advice.

old poems

i wrote over 2003, so yeah, they are older ones, but everyone tell me what you think.how can i feel likeGod might have ordained thisi dont even know your last namebut i still want your kissyour touch, thats where its atits not obsessioni'm not repressing feelingsi just want your arms around melike being in an angel's embraceas i wish to beyou dont cower to anythingi'm not afraid ofyou craving mei can handle all you can throwi hope you can do the samei'm not about to cave inlest will i fade away in shameyou tend to be my typewhen you like what you seebut when it comes to mei'm not the type of girl you fancyi know what i amand i know what i'm noti'm not trying to be what you wantthis is meIn Need of You 4/3/03a cold wind blowsit penetrates my souland goes deeper than bonesi can feel you near meeven though i dont see your facei know you're hereyou take away my tensionof predetermined perfectionit makes me shiver, almost quiverbecause i know you're neari no longer have a dispositionwith your lack of realismonly that i'm not close enough to you

for my book

its simplethats something that nobody knowsits habitualand hybrid in the way evidence flowsits frustratingi miss you with complexityits invigoratingthe hope ive buried complacentlyits intenseall the pressure i'm accustomed toit pervades my soulthe emotions i have for youits dissuadingthe words i'm forced to hearits intangiblebut they need not feari know you'll awakenin your own wayi wrote this today. in my opinion its pretty good. i see most of my stuff as pretty crappy. its about my sisters godfather ken whos still in a coma. its about seeing him and knowing that in his own way hes going to wake up, despite what everyone says. its all the feelings that go through me when i see or think about him.